Feelings & Needs

Feelings

It can be hard to think of the right words to describe feelings for ourselves, let alone to guess how someone else is feeling.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication publishes a nice Feelings Inventory list:

• Downloaod CNVC Feelings Inventory PDF
• CNVC Needs Inventory PDF
• Communication Dojo Finger-Pointing Feelings PDF

Positive Feelings

Feelings when your needs are satisfied:

AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm

ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated

HOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic

CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure

EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant

GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touched

INSPIRED amazed awed wonder

JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled

EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled

PEACEFUL calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting

REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revive

Negative Feelings

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied

AFRAID apprehensive, dread, foreboding, frightened, mistrustful, panicked, petrified, scared, suspicious, terrified, wary, worried

ANNOYED aggravated, dismayed, disgruntled, displeased, exasperated, frustrated, impatient, irritated, irked

ANGRY enraged, furious, incensed, indignant, irate, livid, outraged, resentful

AVERSION animosity, appalled, contempt, disgusted, dislike, hate, horrified, hostile, repulsed

CONFUSED ambivalent, baffled, bewildered, dazed, hesitant, lost, mystified, perplexed, puzzled, torn

DISCONNECTED alienated, aloof, apathetic, bored, cold, detached, distant, distracted, indifferent, numb, removed, uninterested, withdrawn

DISQUIET agitated, alarmed, discombobulated, disconcerted, disturbed, perturbed, rattled, restless, shocked, startled, surprised, troubled, turbulent, turmoil, uncomfortable, uneasy, unnerved, unsettled, upset

EMBARRASSED ashamed, chagrined, flustered, guilty, mortified, self-conscious

FATIGUE beat, burnt out, depleted, exhausted, lethargic, listless, sleepy, tired, weary, worn out

PAIN agony, anguished, bereaved, devastated, grief, heartbroken, hurt, lonely, miserable, regretful, remorseful

SAD depressed, dejected, despair, despondent, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, forlorn, gloomy, heavy hearted, hopeless, melancholy, unhappy, wretched

TENSE anxious, cranky, distressed, distraught, edgy, fidgety, frazzled, irritable, jittery, nervous, overwhelmed, restless, stressed out

VULNERABLE fragile, guarded, helpless, insecure, leery, reserved, sensitive, shaky

YEARNING envious, jealous, longing, nostalgic, pining, wistful

Finger-Pointing Negative Feelings

Finger pointing feeling words imply an accusation that triggers defensiveness more than empathy and clouds the difference between observations and how we feel about them.

abandoned, abused, ambushed, attacked, belittled, betrayed, blamed, boxed-in, bullied, caged, called out, cheated, co-opted, coerced, cornered, criticized, diminished, dismissed, disrespected, harassed, ignored, insulted, interrupted, intimidated, invalidated, invisible, isolated, judged, left out, let down, manipulated, micro-managed, distrusted, misunderstood, neglected, overpowered, overworked, patronized, pressured, provoked, put down, rejected, ripped off, screwed, set up, smothered, suffocated, taken advantage of, taken for granted, threatened, trampled, unfairly treated, tricked, unaccepted, unappreciated, unheard, unloved, unseen, unsupported, unwanted, used, victimized, violated, wronged

RECEIVING THESE WORDS: If other people use these words, we recommend being curious and empathetic about their observations (what is leading them to say they feel… “abandoned,” “cheated,” etc.?), feelings, needs and requests.

EXPRESSING THESE WORDS: If you answer the question “How am I feeling?” with one of these words we recommend you “dive into it” and ask: “When I say I’m feeling this “finger-pointing” or “umbrella” feeling:

• What did I observe that led me to use this word?
• What other feelings am I feeling at the same time? (we recommend using an NVC feelings list)
• What are my unmet needs? (we recommend using an NVC needs list)
• Do I have any requests aimed at meeting these needs?

PRACTICE EXERCISE: Try expressing the full range of other feelings and unmet needs you’ve identified, together with any related observations and requests, rather than expressing the “finger-pointing” or “umbrella” word.

Needs

Describing what you need can be harder than just describing the feeling. CNVC has a Needs Inventory] list as well.

CONNECTION acceptance, affection, appreciation, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self-respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand and, be understood, trust, warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING air, food, movement/exercise, rest/sleep, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch, water

HONESTY authenticity, integrity, presence

PLAY joy, humor

PEACE beauty, communion, ease, equality, harmony, inspiration, order

AUTONOMY choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity

MEANING awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self-expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding