Fundraising/Raising the Fun/Clear Plan: Rent

Purpose

The first step in raising money for a new home is to figure out what that home should look like. We need a set of realistic real estate constraints and a comprehensive financial model to set our fundraising goals, and to demonstrate to individuals and organizations that donations to the Noisebridge new space fund will be carefully and considerately used.

Noisebridge is pursuing two independent plans in parallel to be maximally resilient: rent and buy. This document focuses on renting a new space.

Real estate considerations

Requirements

• In San Francisco
• Many of our members use BART to get to the space
• Safe neighborhood for walking at night
• Sufficient space: > 5,500 square feet
• Acceptable zoning: we are a "Community Facility"
• At least 100A power supply
• Meets all accessibility requirements
  • Elevator access or ground floor

Cost model

• Cost of acquisition
  • Fundraising: we are consulting with a professional fundraising firm "Scandiuzzi Krebs"
  • Rent: we are investigating many options, most of which are about $1.50 - $2.00 per square foot.
• Improvements and move
• Annual operating budget

Back in 2003 I was finally able to get a vasectomy, and here are the facts you need to know.

It cost me $325.00 and that was without having any kind of insurance. $300 for the procedure, and $25 for the Tylenol prescription they gave me. I never had to take even one of them and threw the bottle away after it sat unused in my medicine cabinet for half a year.

It took 7 minutes, 4 seconds, and aside from the one little injection to numb the area, was completely painless. I’ve had worse pain from an unremarkable morning shave.

It took a weekend to heal, and I was back to work on Monday with no problems. I never had any bruising or swelling.

Within two weeks I was able to have normal sex again.

Within a month I was completely back to normal in every way, and without the use of a microscope even I couldn’t tell the difference.

Those are the facts, here is the story and the instructions for how YOU can take responsibility for your own life and jump out of the gene pool.

I contacted Dr. Kurt Helgerson in Kalamazoo, Michigan (where I was living at the time) and it turns out I got exceptionally lucky. There’s several ways to perform a vasectomy, but he had studied the “non-surgical vasectomy” which at the time was relatively rare in the US. It’s very popular in Asia and had been in use for years at the time (even more so now). A regular vasectomy is a pretty non-invasive very simple procedure to begin with. This was even better, you don’t even need a single stitch.

I will admit that the first time someone said “non surgical vasectomy” the image that came to my mind involved a concrete block and a ball-peen hammer, but thankfully that’s not how this worked at all.

I scheduled the appointment a couple weeks out and the first thing he did was talk to me for fifteen minutes trying to talk me out of it. A vasectomy isn’t readily reversible, this is a serious decision and commitment. While it is possible in most cases to reverse one, it’s worlds more complicated and expensive to undo. You’re talking microsurgery here, it’s a job. So you have to be absolutely certain that you’re serious about it. Given that I had known I’d wanted this since I was about 12 years old, that wasn’t a problem at all. He also instructed me to bring a pair of super close fitting underwear. Think man-panties. You won’t want boxers, or even your nice loose briefs. You want to look like you're smuggling grapes. Firm support is key and you really don’t want anything rattling around. The boys will have plenty of time to breathe later. For this adventure, you’re going to want to strap in.

I arrived on a Friday afternoon. Kurt schedules all of his vasectomies on Friday so that you have the weekend off work to heal. The first few days after are critical, so you want to make sure you don’t have to work or anything. You’re going to have a very chill, boring weekend. Plan on it.

I walked in, signed in at the desk, and my seat hadn’t even gotten warm before I was invited in to get to meet Kurt and get my butt up on the table.

I was more than a little nervous. Some guy is about to go rooting around in my sack, this isn’t a normal thing for me. Kurt was totally cool though and we talked. He asked me again if I was absolutely certain, and we began.

The show begins with dropping your pants and shedding any manner of pride, you won’t be needing either for the next ten minutes. Since we’re focusing on just the balls, and they’re tucked in behind what is usually the main attraction, Kurt just tossed that over my shoulder and taped it in place to establish a clear workspace. He grabbed a disposable razor and gingerly shaved about a 1-inch square front and center on my sack.

Now, this is usually the part where a normal guy would get very interested in the ceiling tiles or whatever is happening outside the window. I however, am a nerd, and was raised by parents who worked in emergency medicine. Besides, how often do you get to see inside your own ball sack? I had to watch.

The one and only bad part was about to begin. Kurt pulled out a needle roughly the size of a baseball bat. It was a victorian era weapon, with ornate brass handle, a stainless plunger, and glistening crystal syringe. I don’t know what the viscous neon-green substance was that filled it, but it sputtered and fizzed when drops of it hit the countertop and floor.

At least, that’s how it felt when he pulled out the little plastic syringe while working inches from my balls. Thankfully, he didn’t stick it anywhere near where I thought he was going to. Because as far as I knew, this show was all about the balls. It turns out, that for pain, you just have to run interference between the balls and the brain. I explained to the good Doctor that there had been a wide disconnect between my balls and my brain since high school. Despite my objections, he insisted I get the shot.

You know that crease where your leg meets your pelvis? It’s about there. And Kurt is a guy who knows how to rock out in a hip joint. I’ve had a lot of shots in my life, this one ranks between getting a shot in the arm, and getting a shot at the dentist. It’s certainly not something I’d like to do for fun; but it’s not that big a deal.

And that was the only painful or unpleasant part of the whole show. It’s also the end of the foreplay. Up to this point things were very relaxed, very chill. We chatted and waited a few moments for the anesthesia to kick in. Understand, this is just a local (it numbs a specific, small area) not a General (knocks you out) anesthesia. I was fully conscious and aware through the whole thing. I could watch if I wanted to, I just couldn’t feel anything he was doing.

His hands were moving with the skill and practise of a coin magician who had done a trick ten thousand times over decades. The next tool was always ready right where he needed it, and there were no wasted movements. I enjoy watching a skilled worker do anything from laying brick to carving marble, and Kurt was no exception.

Using what looked like a pair of 90-degree bent hemostats (that’s a roach clip for you stoners) he started. This pair wasn’t like a normal set though, the ends were sharpened down to points. With a flick of the wrist and in one smooth motion he inserted the points into the front of my sack and spread them open to make a very tiny hole. Scrotum skin is super stretchy, so instead of cutting a slit with a scalpel, he just made a little puncture and spread it open.

This is an incredible innovation. Because a puncture wound is a lot less damaging to the tissue than a laceration. Because he didn’t cut open a bunch of blood vessels, there’s less to heal and almost no bleeding at all. This guy just opened a hole in my sack, and there’s only a couple small drops of blood. I bled more from my sack just from losing a bet and having to shave it.

He reached in with what I am sure is some manner of highly specialised and expensive surgical tool, but I will never think of it as anything more than a crochet hook; and delicately pulled out a little tube. I was looking at one of my Vas Deferens! How cool is that! In seconds he secured it in two places, clipped in between, folded them over and installed a couple little stainless clips on each end. Then he gently put them back into the hole.

I now had STAINLESS STEEL IN MY BALL SACK. How badass is that :)

He grabbed his surgical crochet hook and fished out the other vas, and in a few seconds had cut and clipped the 2 ends of that one and put them back in the hole.

Then he removed the little needle-pliers and the hole just magically closed right back up. He put a bandaid and a cotton ball on the hole, the same as you’d get when you get your blood drawn. He untaped the anaconda from my back (which is good, as my shoulder was starting to get sore) and put everything back in place. I packed everything firmly into my manpanties and stood up.

Seven minutes and four seconds since we began. I was impressed.

Five minutes later after settling up at the counter and getting my prescription I was in the car and driving myself home.

These guys are German levels of efficient. Yet at no time was I hurried along or made to feel like a number, something that you get used to pretty fast in most medical situations. Kurt and his team were incredibly patient and understanding. I’m guessing they’re used to a lot of nervous guys who talk too much when they’re scared.

Not that I would do that…….I’m a rugged man of the sea…...wearing manpanties with a bandaid on my balls.